


In Case (But I Know You Won’t Come Back)

by doleurexquise (seesaaws)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Break Up, Canon Compliant, Drug Abuse, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mental Instability, One Shot, Overdose, Past Relationship(s), Read the tags please, Sad Ending, Suicide, Triggers, Yuuri cheats on Viktor, Yuuri’s an asshole here, depressed victor, man this is a roller coaster, sad then happy then sad, this made me cry a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 04:16:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13696677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seesaaws/pseuds/doleurexquise
Summary: The story of Viktor before Yuuri, during Yuuri and after he leaves.





	In Case (But I Know You Won’t Come Back)

**Author's Note:**

> sorry. An idea came and I went with it. I hope you like it and please talk to someone if this triggers you. 
> 
> Stay safe x

Viktor was _stupid_. He was stupid and idiotic and foolish and immature. How idiotic of him to think The Universe could magically forgive all the mistakes he had made and mend all the hearts he had crushed in the past. 

The unwavering reminder that he was young continued to _scream_ in his mind, his conscious _pitifully_ defending the acts of a child who had grown up in the spotlight and had learned quickly that he was good at a grand total of four things: skating, standing still while looking pretty, attracting sponsors, therefore skilled at bringing money; and breaking the heart of _every single lover_ who tries to get too close.  

Viktor hardly remembers their faces.

He hardly remembers the tears that he caused (and the pain that followed suit.) 

He hardly remembers their _begs_ of forgiveness for whatever they had done to cause Viktor to decide they weren't worth anymore of his time.

(Even though they weren't the ones in the wrong; Viktor was the one too afraid for commitment.)

But to his lovers, _they_ were the ones who gave Viktor everything they had, but it wasn't enough and neither were they. 

Viktor hardly remembers the tears that didn't stop, even as they said the three words Viktor didn't want to hear. The three words he _never_ wanted to hear. 

They loved him. _All_ of them. His lovers of the past _worshipped him_ and treated him like _royalty_ and he couldn't even remember their damn names nor their faces. 

That utter realization is enough to make warm tears of his own slide out of his unloving eyes and drip onto his hands. 

Viktor can only seem to remember one day of his life; perhaps due to every day starting, progressing and ending the same as the one before.

That was before a Japanese man enthralled him in one evening. With a hideous tie but a captivating laugh and wide smile that made Viktor's heart race Katsuki Yuuri had managed to extinguish the flames of loneliness, fatigue and depression that _burned_ the inside of Viktor's body, leaving him with burns of the 3rd degree that could not be healed. The type of burn that would not only leave a scar on his body, but his mind and his emotions as well.  
Yuuri had somehow washed his own outgoing, intoxicated personality onto Viktor's, adding just enough of Japanese charm to have Viktor dancing, laughing, _living_....

And then he left. 

Viktor was finally able to understand. Finally.   
After years of dissociation and carelessness with mundane emotions and hearts; Viktor was fortunate enough for have his heart mended and beat rapidly in his chest, only to later have ripped out and discarded. Like he was a piece of trash. 

Viktor was numb for a while. He tried to forgive himself for everything he'd done in the past to earn such a lamenting punishment.

But too often (after the sun had gone to bed and the moon had risen to have her turn in the blank sky) Viktor was left with _nothing_ but the crushing grip of self-hatred in his throat that left him deliciously breathless and only the taste of salty tears slipping into the corners of his lips to remind the Russian that he deserved this. 

He deserved loneliness and pain. Every calamitous emotion, heartbreak, and loss was Viktor getting what he earned. 

Some time later, Yuuri came back. He was reincarnated in the form of Viktor's skating; Agape and Eros. 

Agape. Unconditional love; The love Viktor would _always_ feel waking up before Yuuri and looking down to see the smaller male curled in his arms. His eyes would still be closed, his breathing still timed with Viktor's and his digits still pressed against Viktor's chest as they'd gone to sleep the night prior. Agape was the love Viktor would feel the rest of his life with Yuuri. He would experience the heart-swelling sensation when Yuuri and Viktor stood in the bathroom, brushing their teeth together and giggling when Viktor pouted in frustration from managing to get toothpaste on his shirt. He would feel this buying groceries with their hands linked, walking Makkachin, reading their vows.  _Only_ with Yuuri. 

After Viktor had successfully choreographed Agape, he still felt like a part of him wasn't finished. The Russian pondered this feeling for days until he sat down to watch a playlist of Yuuri's old routines. 

Viktor felt a stirring rumble in his gut as he watched the competitive routines Yuuri performed on the ice. His routines were flawed, but Viktor didn't _dare_ pay attention to anything but Yuuri's body as he moved. His thighs were muscular, deliciously thick and outlined in the black leggings of Yuuri's costume. His face was smooth and his eyes held a determined edge, dark and focused as he skated. Viktor felt his blood stir in his veins, and only knew what Yuuri could do to him when Viktor felt the obvious strain against his track pants. 

That night, Viktor made Eros.

Eros; the _ocean_ of sexual desire that crashed over Viktor. The images of Yuuri in lewd angles, the internal sight of the Japanese begging, on his knees, tears spilling from his eyes and the noises that would come from his mouth in both pleasure and desire. It fueled Viktor's want of the man, he longed to hear his euphoric pants and whimpers as Viktor took him to new heights. He longed to feel Yuuri’s mouth on his sex, lips beautifully flushed and eyes dark with desire.

Viktor brought himself to completion _many times_ after Eros.  
   
-

Yuuri came back after almost a year and a half of silence. His presence and his life was revived in a video of Yuuri himself (rounder in his face and fuller the rest of him but nevertheless captivatingly beautiful) standing in the center of a skating rink. He looked at something- someone for a moment before his quickly bowed his head to the floor. A small, almost silent gasp was the only thing audible for a moment.

And then Yuuri was skating 'Stay Close To Me'.  
It was an honor to see Viktor's own program remade into an art piece larger than life, larger than Viktor's want for human companionship. He knew this program was beautiful in its heart wrenching way; the choreography, the music, the costume. 

But Viktor didn't perform it the way Yuuri managed to. (Viktor's was professional. His costume was made by hand, his music was specially composed, everything was meant to make it as award winning as possible.) Yuuri didn't need music. Nor did he need a beautiful costume. His body played all the instruments in that program and his costume was the role he conveyed while skating.

Viktor couldn't ignore the way something inside him broke every time he watched it. It was blatantly obvious Yuuri was filmed without his knowledge, and that belief of his privacy echoed his message louder. His purpose screamed into the silent rink after he skated. It showed every thing in a manner so beautiful it hurt; 

Yuuri's insecurities, his pain, his tears, his fears...and his cry. His cry for help. 

  
Viktor crumbled a little when he watched it the first time. And the second. And the third. And every other time he watched it.

He didn't even know he was crying until a tear dribbled under his chin. Makkachin whined, jumping onto Viktor's legs and lapping up the tears. But they were a different set. They weren't like the ones he had shed years ago in the sleepless nights and the tears he cried that fell as he managed to sync his sorrow with the rain drumming on his roof. 

This time, Viktor was angry. 

"How dare you?" Viktor remembered screaming in between sobs as he threw the porcelain plates he'd never used on the floor.

"You... Y-you don't get to do that Yuuri Katsuki!" 

Viktor spent the majority of the day breaking everything he could; a shameless effort to get something else to feel as broken and used as he did. He cried, something he had forbidden himself to do; something he hadn't done in almost a year.

But this time, Viktor let go. 

Everything was broken when he was done, his apartment matching the way his heart felt; ruined, obliterated, tired. 

"Y-you can't! You can't make me fall in love with you in one night, s-say all the things you said...and leave without a word the next day!" His throat was tight and his voice had gone hoarse after hours of sobbing and yelling at no one in particular. Viktor covered his face with his hands as he sunk to his knees with sobs falling one after the other from his lips.

"I hate you Yuuri Katsuki!" _No you don't_. "I hate you I hate you I hate you!" _No you don't Viktor. You know that the only thing you hate is yourself for being selfish and cruel and falling for someone you can't have._

But despite the anger, the frustration and the disappointment Viktor got on a plane to Kyushu, Japan and traveled to Hasetsu to coach the man who'd broken his heart more than once. 

Viktor was clueless as to why he'd come; but he also knew damn well why.

It was the memory of Viktor saying something years ago to himself in an empty hotel room after his one night stand was gone;

"The only emotion love brings is pain, and I'd rather be heartbroken, lonely and safe than stupidly in love and on the road to disaster." 

  
Naive. An 18 year old at the peak of naivety and ignorance. 

Viktor tried to look past Yuuri Katsuki ignoring him the first day. Viktor didn't think Yuuri would be beautifully pudgy, round in some places but still adorable in a way that made Viktor's chest hurt.

He was captivating, reserved, ethereal; but most of all,

Yuuri was scared. 

It stung, to say the least; the Yuuri Katsuki here was distant and cold. Unlike the Yuuri who'd accidentally seduced Viktor in the span of two and a half hours.

But this Yuuri was nervous and he didn't meet Viktor's gaze no matter how much the Russian tried. 

Yuuri holed himself up in his room that first night, only opening the door at Viktor's request for a sleepover. And even then he was reluctant. 

Viktor finally cried. 

Hugging Makkachin to his chest Viktor wept silently into her fur as he'd done since he was a teenager. She didn't whine (something she always did when her master cried.) Perhaps she knew that her dad was trying to be quiet, trying not to draw attention. 

Viktor loved her unconditionally. 

The only thing she did while Viktor tired himself out with tears was lick his face and nudge herself further into his arms. 

Yuuri was so far. He was right there, and yet eons away. He wanted to see that illuminating smile that he showed only Viktor at the banquet and hear his quiet giggle as he stumbled over his feet’s. Everything. 

And while Viktor cried into his dogs warmth, Yuuri didn't even sleep a wink on account of his chest beating so rapidly it took him the whole day to realize that he was happy. 

-

Viktor went through a week of awkwardness after the 'Hot Springs on Ice' event before he decided to take matters into his own hands. 

"We're going out." Is the only thing Viktor said as he swung Yuuri's bedroom door open. The smile wasn't there; he was too tired to pretend. Viktor watched with a neutral expression, not a muscle in his face twitching Yuuri stared at him with wide eyes before nodding hesitantly. 

Viktor stared for a moment, trying to find anything in his expression that said Yuuri was still here. 

But the only thing he saw was anxiety and panic all into one. 

After that, Viktor closed the door. 

They decided on the beach. Mainly because its where Makka insisted on and the pair had no choice to follow suit. 

The walk was silent, shoes scuffing the pavement and Makkachin's eager 'boofs' resonating in Viktor's ears as she chased the gulls.

As the ocean grew closer the sound of tidal waves crashing on the shore also joined in, creating an orchestra of distracting sounds to blanket the silence.

After their arrival, Viktor sat down on the sand, kicking off his sandals to bury his toes in the grains; it was soft and warm. 

Yuuri sat with his knees clutched to his chest; as if guarding himself from Viktor. 

The realization only spurred the Russian's anger. However, he chose to wait until the right time to ask the question he'd been screaming in his head for the past two weeks. Patience. 

"Are you uncomfortable around me?" Viktor finally said, his voice was soft; vulnerability evident in his voice and the only thing it showed was Viktor's desperation. It showed his frustration and his fragility which he hadn’t exposed in decades.

Yuuri stared at the Russian in shock, it was silent for a long while; which only made Viktor's frustration grow. 

"Yuuri....I need you to answer me. I need to know what I need to be to you." Viktor's voice had a stern vocalism but at the end his confidence wavered. And Yuuri was so clueless it only made Viktor more curious. He asked the Japanese for the sake of his mask; if Yuuri wanted a friend, he would put on a mask to hide what he felt; if Yuuri wanted a father figure, he would put on a mask to match his desire: if Yuuri wanted a lover, Viktor would put on a different mask to give him just that. 

If Yuuri wanted anything, Viktor would give it to him. 

Yuuri sat there, the softness in his face and the round in his tummy gone but he was still so beautiful it hurt. It also made Viktor even more nervous as he continued. "I need to know if you want a friend or a brother or a lover for gods sake! I need to know what I need to fix. I can handle a lot of things. But I just...can't handle seeing you be stiff and hesitant around me...like-like you don't want to remember the banquet." His voice trailed off into a murmur and Viktor closed his eyes and turned away, forcing the tears to leave. 

"What?" Yuuri finally said. His voice was actually audible, and Viktor had a feeling it was the loudest he'd spoken since the Russian arrived.

"What did you say?" 

Viktor stared at Yuuri with confusion, his eyebrows downcast in thought. 

And when he saw Yuuri's eyes filled with shock and almost humiliation; it all clicked in Viktor's head. 

Yuuri did not remember. 

Viktor's gaze hardened, he knew he had no right to be upset with Yuuri but at the moment he couldn't stop the anger that boiled over. 

"Wow. That explains everything." He mumbled to himself before rising to his feet. Yuuri's gaze was trained on the ground and it was almost like he had dissociated for a couple seconds. But then he blinked and shot up to stand. 

"Viktor, I need you to explain.." Yuuri said in a slow voice, like talking to Viktor was tedious and a chore. "Please. What are you talking about the banquet for? Did something happen there?" 

All at once, Viktor said the words he needed to say but never had the energy to: 

"Damn it Yuuri! Do you want to know what happened at the banquet?” Viktor began with a hiss. "You were drunk on champagne and you grinded on my thigh while asking me to be your coach. You had an atrocious necktie around your head and you finished last but you made the 'winner' feel more alive than anyone or anything else did in almost 20 years. I fell in love with you because you made my heart feel like it was actually beating. You said things to me that I know you won't ever repeat again and I thought, that night, that I would start living. But you left without a single word, I tried looking for you. I looked everywhere. And then I came to the conclusion that you only get that much luck once in your life and I had already gotten mine with you and I needed to continue. 

"But I couldn't Yuuri, I tried so hard. I suffered for a year and a half and during that time I though 'pain can't get any worse than this'....but I was wrong. The one that I still feel is the video of you with my program. I'm pretty sure my apartment is still a wreck from all the things I broke. I broke everything I could because I wanted something else to feel as chaotic as I did." 

Viktor paused for a moment, shaking his head as tears began to gather at his eyes. "Hearing you say you don't remember puts the icing on the fucking cake.." his voice trailed off as he laughed bitterly.

The Russian didn't even give Yuuri a chance to comprehend as Viktor sighed.

In a moment, Viktor was gone. He put the mask on again as he raised his gaze, a wide smile formed on his face. A smile he didn’t want to have.

"We should go to Nagahama Ramen Yuuri! Minako told me it’s really good and it’d be fun! But I doubt they'd let Makka-" 

"Shut up Viktor," Yuuri snapped, disbelief and anger clearly written on his face. "You can't do that, I won't let you do that. You spit out all this bullshit that you're 'in love with me' and that 'I made you feel alive’ and then you close yourself off. That's not right."

The Russian tried to keep up his facade, he tried to tell the Japanese that he didn't know what he was talking about and that he was hungry. 

But Yuuri was Grade A pissed and it honestly scared Viktor. Heavy silence screamed between the two and after a moment Yuuri spoke again. 

"..You can't say those things if you don't mean them Viktor. That hurts more than anything."   
Viktor broke, he stepped closer to the younger male, he hesitantly raised his hand in an effort to cup Yuuri's cheek. He didn't flinch so Viktor went in. 

Viktors palm was warm against Yuuri's skin, he bowed his head at their proximity. 

"Yuuri.... _Solnyshko_ look at me." Viktor's voice was quiet and irrevocably raspy, he only continued when Yuuri raised his gaze to meet Viktor's. "Yuuri, I wouldn't have taken a break after being a five time world champion and come to Japan if I didn't think you were beautiful, if I didn’t think you were worth it. You don't know the power you hold, you have the power to ruin me with words and you don’t even know. I’m scared to be destroyed but yknow what? You’re worth it.” Viktor tried his hardest to keep his voice together.

“Viktor,” Yuuri whispered, his voice was so deep and words resonated in velvet undertones so lovely Viktor was sure the Japanese saw the shiver that spread down his spine.

And afterwards, they were in love.

-  
   
It was the night after Worlds when it all fell apart. Yuuri had just taken gold against Yuri, who scowled at him and grumbled something about making him into borscht next season. 

What triggers everything was an article that had swarmed the internet of a man pressing his lips to Yuuri’s.

Yuuri, who had lied to Viktor about his whereabouts when he was having lunch with an ex lover.

“Viktor I don’t fucking understand!” The Japanese shouted, irritation and frustration evident in his voice. “Why are you bitching so much? It’s pissing me off!”

Viktor’s eyes were ablaze with anger, that much evident through the stream of tears he bit back. He will not cry. Not before he has an answer.

“We’re engaged Yuuri! What do you mean I’m bitching? I’m sorry I’m heartbroken about my fiancé lying to me about being with an old lover! Not only that! No, you kissed him!”

The Russian paused briefly to breathe through his anger and let a dry sob tear from his throat. He knew they were probably disturbing the hotel guests with their arguments but at the moment Viktor couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Why did you propose if you were going to do something like that? Why did you lie?”

A silence fell over the two of them; thick, long and blatantly uncomfortable.

And the response didn’t alleviate anything.

“Viktor, I-I never proposed.”

Looking at Yuuri at that moment, Viktor knew he must’ve resembled every calamitous emotion known to man, and nothing at all.

His lips parted, blue eyes filling with tears as his breath hitched into a gasp. Now was the time Viktor let them fall.

Yuuri’s eyes were screaming with regret, but it wasn’t the type of regret that showed his words held no true meaning behind them;

It was the type that shouted “shit, he wasn’t supposed to know that,”

A small chuckle vibrated from Viktor’s chest, monotonous and irrevocably broken. With a sniffle he gazed down to his finger, golden band around his digit slightly shining in the dim light of the hotel room.

“V-Viktor, I’m sorry, I didn’t-“

“No, I suppose you’re right.” Viktor’s voice suddenly interrupted, hollow and empty like he had been before. He toyed with the ring, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. “You never did propose, it was me who misinterpreted the meaning of a ‘lucky charm’ for something else.”

He watched Yuuri with careful eyes, carefully phrasing his next question.

He already knew the answer.

“Do you still love me? Do you still want to marry me? I mean, you kissing another man for what I assume is not the first time should indicate no but....I might be wrong.”

The silence that followed would give Viktor 2 things; it would give the confirmation he needed, and it would give Viktor’s demons a memory to build a nightmare on.  
   
Yuuri took off his ring that night.

He took off his ring, declared their ‘relationship’ over and said he would gather his things and leave when they got back to Russia.

Viktor left first.

He left with an empty heart, a numb mind, and a ruined soul.

He left without anyone following. And perhaps that’s what broke him the most; being alone after so long of having a lover to wake up next to.

It seemed like centuries had past since Viktor had woken up in an empty apartment and breathed in a silent room without anyone to keep him warm.

Viktor needed to adjust to that life again. Even though the mere thought of it destroyed him.

-

Somehow, the flame in his heart refuses to dissipate. Viktor is hopeful (even though he knows he shouldn't be). He has faith in Yuuri, in both of them and the love they once shared. And because of this he keeps everything. 

He keeps Yuuri's toothbrush in the same place in the bathroom next to Viktor's; he keeps the cologne that Yuuri adored but had started to run out (Viktor went out and bought another, just in case).

Viktor keeps Yuuri's books; he keeps the clothes that Yuuri neglected to take when he decided he was done, when he left; he keeps the photographs of them both and all photographs Viktor had taken of Yuuri when he was sleeping. And he keeps everything else that Yuuri owned (well, what was left.)

Just in case. Just in case Yuuri misses Viktor too much. In a situation where Yuuri has an anxiety attack and dials Viktor's number, hoping that the Russian hasn't changed it since he left.  

(But Viktor won't ever change his number. He won't do it for that specific reason.)   
Viktor keeps everything even when everyone says he isn’t coming back, that Yuuri is gone, to move on.

Viktor keeps everything. He keeps everything just in cause Yuuri wants to come home  

“I kept everything, Yura,” Viktor whispers in the soft lull of the dark abyss. He stares at the ceiling, then turns his head to gaze at the right side of his bed, where Yuuri’s body should be. His fingers stretch out to find cold fabric, with parted lips and a wavering voice he continues his monologue. “I kept everything you owned, but I suppose you took my heart with you. That you will always own. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you always, Katsuki Yuuri...”

Viktor's vision was blurred by the tears in his eyes, that or maybe it was the meds starting to take effect. His fingers grip the sheets a little tighter, a last ditch effort to hold on. To what, he was not entirely sure; hope, life, love, society....maybe Yuuri.

Too soon, the effects of the medication weighed on his eyelids, halting all precious thoughts and dragging him voluntarily into a never ending dream.

  
**Name: Viktor Nikiforov  
** Age: 30  
Date of Birth: December 25th, 1989  
Date of Death: November 29th, 2018  
Time of Death: 03:32 am  
Cause of Death: Suicide- overdose  
Past Medical Conditions: clinical depression, anxiety, depersonalization disorder  
Prescribed Medication: Prozac, Lumictal  
Emergency Contact list:

**No contacts listed**


End file.
